I never quite realize how long I’m holding my breath until you look at me. Then all the pent-up air rushes from my mouth and into the atmosphere like a released pressure valve. When you’re gone, the fear keeps me company. Always the fear, always the doubt, always the fire. I never think I’m suffocating until my vision goes black. Even then, all I see is you.
You, you, you.
Sometimes I think that you’ve ruined me. Not because you’ve damaged me. No, never. But I have lost all sense of up or down, right or wrong. There is only you, and those things that keep me from us.
I may suffocate, but I never quite choke. I’m fine, really. I know that I am. I just want to latch my claws and sink my teeth and never let go.
[Written March 19th, 2015]